Endless Night
by stilljustme
Summary: Sequel to "Can't wake up from this": the family struggles to get trough the first year without Jamie.
1. Four weeks

_Okay, I think I'm turning a bit masochistic by now, and probably sadistic as well. For honestly, I can't stand the thought of Jamie dead either. I think I just could cope with writing it because it was me who did write it – so I had the proof that it wasn't real right in front of me. Of course, nothing here's real for real^^, but – you know what I mean. Anyway, I wasn't really satisfied with the last chapter of "Can't wake up from this", so I decided to write this. I'm not sure if this should be a OS or a multi-chapter story, and if multi-chapter, if it should rather get more chapters of Danny progressing to heal or of the other members of the family visiting the grave. So it's totally up to you – I just hope you don't hate me for keeping Jamie dead. _

„Hey, kid" Danny said softly as he knelt down in front of the grave, not daring to speak loud. He knew it was stupid to feel that way, since no matter what he would do – Jamie would never be woken up again. Still, Danny was his big brother. It was his job to take care of Jamie, to make sure he was safe and sound and happy.

"I'm sorry, Jamie." Danny couldn't fight the tears any longer. It was three weeks now since they had buried the youngest Reagan son, and to Danny these weeks had gone by in a blur. He didn't remember anything from the first week after the funeral, but he knew he had been at work. After one week Jackie had forced their sergeant to send Danny home for holidays, but Danny didn't know why exactly.

"I've tried. Jamie, I tried so hard to keep on doing my job, but…" He shook his head, taking in a shivering breath. What had started as three days off to clear his head had ended with almost two weeks. Two weeks in which Danny had sat home alone, trying his best to act normal.  
As if nothing had happened, nothing that had torn him apart.  
As if he always had been a housekeeper (though he couldn't even find the strength to do the ironing) and not a detective of the NYPD.

He couldn't sleep without seeing Jamie's pale face. He couldn't walk the streets without memories of the little one surrounding and drowning him. Today had been Danny's first day back on duty, and even while he was running after a shop-robber, Danny had only seen Jamie in front of him, running, falling, dying. But if Danny was quick enough, maybe he would get to him in time. Maybe he could save him!  
Of course he hadn't. Danny buried his face in his hands as fits of sobbing shook his body violently. He had caught the robber but lost his brother. Forever.  
And every day it broke his heart anew.

"Erin says I should take more time, you know." Finally Danny lifted his head from his hands to look at the white gravestone. "I thought by now she'd tell me to see a psychologist, but… she hasn't. I think she's afraid. We all are, kid. Afraid of breaking if we move too fast. Ever since… since you've been gone." He broke off, holding in his breath till the new sobs in him had died.

"We miss you, Jamie" he whispered, as if it was a secret he shared with his brother. With his brothers, both dead, both far away in heaven, somewhere he couldn't reach them. Danny bowed forward so he could touch the stone, as if it would hold anything of the warmth and laughter and braveness that had been Jamie.  
He missed him so much.

"Did I ever take you to Warner's?" Danny blinked the tears away. He had to stop breaking down every day.  
"It's a great bar. Really big plates of spare ribs, and large screens for almost every kind of sports. And there's a waitress that's been to Harvard for one semester." His voice cracked at the word "Harvard" and Danny had to pause for another moment.  
"She's very nice, though. I should really have taken you with me, it'd be great. Maybe you… maybe you'd have had kids after all."

At the thought of his boys Danny broke down completely. His sons, like Jamie, deserved so much more than he could give them. They deserved to have a father who was able to take care for them, which Danny wasn' t right now. They deserved their uncle to play football with them and help them with their homework or simply talking to them. They deserved a life in peace and happiness despite the darkness of the world. It was Danny's duty to keep the darkness at bay. As a cop, and as a father even more. Or as a brother.

"I'm so sorry" he sobbed again, "god help me, kid, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I let you down. And now that you're… now that you're dead, Jamie, I can't never make it up to you. And I can't even be there for dad and Erin anymore. I can't. That's your job. That's your place I'm trying to take now, and you're where I should be now! This wasn't your call. It was mine, Jamie! I should be the one lying here, not you! You hear me? Not you!" His voice got louder, and two rows further on, a woman stared at him. But Danny was too tired with grief to calm down.  
"You weren't supposed to die, Jamie. Little brothers don't die before the old ones, that's not right. Did you never learn that in Harvard? Or did you simply not care to make my life hell, was it that? Was it that?"

Angry at the stone's silence, Danny started hitting it, teeth clenched, tears running down his face. "Are you happy now? Now that life is hell and we all are stuck here and you guys are up above, looking down at us? Do you think that's funny?" Still punching the stone, Danny looked up into the empty sky as if expecting to see them there: Mom, Joe, Jamie. His family. Three of the most important people in his life that had left him, had left Erin and his father and Linda.

"Noo…" Exhausted Danny sank down, his forehead resting on the cold stone.  
Jamie was dead. He was dead for almost a month now and still it hurt as much as in the instant Danny had felt the life vanishing from the kid in his arms. He had held him. He had held him, trying to calm him down, trying to protect him… tell him how much he loved his little brother, and that he'd do anything for him, tell him how proud he was… Again Danny buried his face in his hands. It hurt. It ripped him apart, every morning when he opened his eyes to a new day he would have to live through without Jamie to talk to.

"I want you to come back, Jamie" he said softly, almost pleading, "just call me and tell me it's all been a nightmare, okay? Okay?" Once again he looked up into the sky. "I'll do anything you want from me. I'll be the best cop you will find in New York. Or you can take me. Take me, okay? Just… just bring him back. Bring him back and I'll come up. Please!"

But there was no negotiating with heaven and Danny knew it. There were rules he couldn't break, no matter how hard he tried. Things he couldn't set right.

He had failed his little brother, and now Jamie was dead. And all of his family had to suffer for Danny's fault.


	2. Five weeks

_Thank you for your amazing reviews! I hoped that someone would like it but I never expected this! _

"Erin, come on, we gotta go!" Danny got hold of his sister's arm as soon as the dinner table was empty. "Let's go!"  
Erin took a sharp breath. She hadn't been at the cemetery since the funeral. "Danny…" It hurt to see her big brother like this. He wasn't the same since… well, who was?  
"I can't. Danny, I can't." Her glance wandered from Danny's sad, somehow broken eyes to the empty chair where her other brother used to sit. All through dinner she had felt it, like a cold wind blowing from the side, a big black hole where once had been Jamie's laughter. It hurt physically to sit there and not having him beside her. She wasn't ready to visit the grave, not yet.  
"But why?" Danny still held her arm, and for the first time in her whole life Erin saw the similarity of his and Jamie's face as he looked at her with puppy-eyes. "It's Jamie."  
"No, it's not Jamie anymore!" The others turned around as Erin couldn't keep her voice calm. Frank sighed heavily and made a step towards his remaining children, the stopped. Lost as they all still were. Linda quickly wrapped her arm around a teary-eyed Nicky, allowing her to sob at her shoulder.

Erin closed her eyes in shame. "I'm sorry" she whispered to no one in particular, "I just want him back."  
"Me too." It was still the wrong brother to hug her and try to console her, and for a moment Erin was angry at Danny, angry at him to hold her when she just wanted to see Jamie… she gasped at the realization of what she had just thought.  
"It's okay, Erin. It's okay." Danny didn't know the real reason for her shivering, he just held her. Or did he?  
Erin pulled away. "Danny, I…"  
"I want him back, too." He didn't look at her now, and against reason Erin feared that he knew it. Knew that for one little moment she had wanted to change her brothers, but it wasn't because she didn't love Danny, it was just… Jamie. She missed Jamie so much, and it didn't stop hurting.  
"Please." Finally both sibling mustered up the courage to face the other's grieve. "Please, sister. Come on. We've got to tell the kid we're thinking of him."  
As the first tears rolled down her cheeks Erin managed a smile. "He knows it. He's been at Harvard, he's clever enough to know we're still thinking of him." But it wouldn't even be funny if Jamie was still alive, and Danny's forced chuckle ended up choked in his throat. "Let's go" he pleaded again, and as Nicky was still with Linda Erin couldn't find a reason to say no.

They walked down holding hands to the Reagan's row. Erin looked around her, taking in the emptiness of the place where five weeks ago there had been dozens of people. They all had been here for the funeral, here to say goodbye, and now they were done with it and life went on.

Danny had reached the grave before her, he let go of her hand and knelt down. "Hey, kid. How you're doing?" He paused for a moment. "Yeah, I thought so. It's been a bit foggy these days, ain't it?"  
Erin looked at him, disgusted, if she still had the power to feel something that strong. "Danny!"  
"What, Erin?" He looked up to her and she saw the strained lines in his faces, wrinkles that hadn't been there half a year before.  
"Why?" she asked. "Why Jamie? Why Joe? Why mom?"  
Danny swallowed. There was only one answer he could give her, and this answer made it hard to breathe whenever he thought about it for too long. He looked at the grave again, the thin lines on the stones that shone the shortness of Jamie's life out for everyone to see. He buried his face in his hands, unable to shake the guilt from his shoulders. How dared he coming here with Erin, how could he see her in so much pain and not do anything against it? How could he have let Jamie die?

"I'm sorry, Erin" he whispered out from between his fingers, "I'm so sorry."  
"What for?" Erin had knelt down, too, demonstratively staring at the stone as if it was a challenge. She wasn't sure how long she could bear to look at it, how long she could bear going on with her life before the longing would break her down.  
"I should've protected him." Danny's voice was toneless. "I'm the older one, I'm the detective, I should've known better than putting him behind."  
"You did everything you could." At least this she could say for certain. "Danny, it wasn't your fault, or anybody's… he's just… he's dead."  
"He's dead because I failed, Erin!" Finally his hands sank down and dug deep into the grass. "I wanted to tell him to stay back but he didn't. He didn't want to leave me, Erin, he died because he was protecting me!" Danny almost choked on the last words. They were so wrong. A little brother couldn't watch out for his big brother, that wasn't right. And especially not for him! Not for him.  
"I told him stay back. He said there was no way he'd let me go in alone."  
Erin closed her eyes, smiling for a moment. She knew exactly how fearless Jamie's voice must have sounded in that situation, how straight and open his eyes had been. "That's Jamie", she whispered, and the love in her voice made Danny's fingers dig deeper into the grass.  
Erin saw it. "But that's the job, Danny. That's why…" She bit her lips. There was nothing more to say that wouldn't hurt even more. Automatically her glance wandered to the second grave on the left – her mom. She never wanted Jamie to be a cop, she always tried to keep him out of the line of fire.

"I cared more for getting this guy than for protecting my own brother" Danny went on, and Erin cried too hard to say anything against it now. "I was so eager to get him, I didn't even…" He closed his eyes.

"It should be me down here. It shouldn't be Jamie. I'm the one chasing after Arcavello without asking for help, I'm the one who should die! God knows and you know it too, Erin, I should be dead! Not him! Not Jamie." He broke down, shaking with sobs.

"No." Erin felt too guilty to touch him, even if it was to comfort him. "No, you shouldn't." She took a deep breath. "I want him back, Danny. I want him back, more than anything else. But I can't lose you. Not you, too, Danny, you're everything I have left." She took a deep breath. It was so true that it hurt even more, and she felt more ashamed than ever for what she'd thought before. How could she have thought that? She looked at her brothers – two stones, cold and flat. They had had so many plans for life – so much they still had to see, to do, to live… there was so much she wanted to tell Jamie. So much she needed his advice for, and it wasn't only her – Nicky needed favorite uncle, now more than ever. And her dad needed him, and Danny, and she needed him. She needed Jamie right now here to help her through this time.

But he wasn't here. He wasn't here and he never would be here again, and it hurt so much to know it that for a moment she couldn't breathe.  
"I don't know if I can go on" Danny whispered. His eyes were fixed on the grave again. "Jamie, I don't know if I can go on without you. I'm not as strong as you want me to be. I'm sorry."

Erin swallowed hard. "Yes you are, Danny." She didn't know if she believed it. But it was what Jamie would want her to say. It was what Jamie would say if he could.

"You are stronger than you think. And Jamie and Joe always looked up to you." Now she held Danny's glance as he looked at her, eyes red with tears.  
"You were a great big brother. Both of them knew you would get them out of everything, they trusted you, and they adored you." She gently touched his cheek, as if to make sure he was still there. "You're still a great big brother. You are. And I know how much you loved Jamie, and he knew it too! He knew it. He loved you so much, Danny."  
_And I love you too_ she wanted to add, but her voice failed her. With Jamie's grave beside her it was all she could do to keep breathing.  
Danny nodded slowly, and then they both collapsed in each other's arms, crying, holding on to what was left of their family.


	3. Ten weeks

_I didn't plan this chapter to come now already, since it's been almost only about Danny and just a few words about the rest of the family, but with _**Annic's**"Lost and Gone"_ coming up I felt like I had to write it asap.  
I tried – better late than never – to put this story into a timeline, starting with Jamie's death on April, 9__th__ (since that's when I wrote "I'll stay till you're asleep"), then the funeral on April 21__st__ and this story's chapters on May 19__th__ and May 26__th__. _

**June 23****rd****, 2013 – ten weeks after Jamie's death  
**He stood at the grave again, breathing in and out very deeply and concentrated. "Hey Jamie" was all he could croak out before he had to bite his lips. Would it never stop hurting? Even now Danny felt tears behind his eyes. He managed to be strong at home in front of his sons, even in front of Linda sometimes, and he was calm enough when he went seeing his father, which he did more often now. Frank wanted his children close to him, and Danny understood it, but these were almost the darkest, most exhausting hours of the day. The siblings avoided each other; it was too hard to see one when there were two missing now, as if the dead had won. Also Danny knew that Erin saw right through his mask of bearing.  
"I've started working again, kid" he murmured, short sentences helped to keep the sobs at bay. "It's a hard summer this year. Killings almost every day and…" he stopped again midsentence and closed his eyes. How could it be that it still hurt exactly as on day one? How could it be that he had not even started to heal from this wound he was carrying?  
"I want this to stop, Jamie" Danny confessed with close eyes, ashamed, "I'm tired with fighting against the pain, I want it to stop. I want it to get weaker at least, but it's still… you're still… You're everywhere, Jamie." He opened his eyes as the warmth of the sun caressed his face, enlightened the headstone, and reminded him of a different sun, from a different life - ten weeks and an eternity ago.  
"You're everywhere. Just not here. And I want it to stop." Danny didn't bother to hide his face anymore as he started to cry. "Come back, kid. I won't be mad at you, I promise. Nobody will, even if this was a bad joke, it's okay, just come back. Please."

The stone was quiet as always and Danny eventually wiped the tears off his face. Linda and the boys were already at his dad's for dinner, he had told them he'd be there in a few minutes.  
Though it hurt to keep secrets from Linda, he knew it would hurt her even more to know the truth: He wouldn't get over Jamie. There was a certain amount of grief a man could bear, and for Danny it was enough. He had lost his mother when his second son had only been one year old. There was so much he had left to ask her that she never would answer. He missed her still, and every Mother's Day he wondered how he had lived another year without her guiding him. Without Linda he probably wouldn't, and without his siblings who reminded him so much of their mom, each in his own way.

Then Joe had died, Joe – nobody had seen this coming, it should be a routine chasing that drug-addicts off, even in the black of the night. And then he was dead. All of a sudden he was gone and the chair empty and Danny had never got the chance to say goodbye, and how proud he was of his little brother.

He had lived through the loss of Joe only because of Jamie. Jamie, broken himself, had held the whole family upright in these days, he had talked to Jack and Sean and Nicky, had listened to them and comforted them when their parents couldn't. He had been the one who could make their dad giving in in his grief and cry at last, and he had stayed calm when Danny started smashing plates against the wall and when Erin started yelling at Danny for being such a jackass. Jamie had just been there and had listened to them – they were family, after all, they were all that was left. He had never spoken it aloud, but after a while the meaning of his loving, gentle way towards them had become clear. No matter what happened Jamie loved his family as he still loved Joe, and he was determined to give them whatever they needed to recover.

Now with Jamie dead, Jamie, the kindest and most annoying person Danny had ever known, who was left to help him? How should he ever get over this without his little brother at his side?

Danny wiped his face again as new tears sprung out of his weary eyes. Those were no good thoughts to come back to Linda with, either. He turned around to leave, touching Joe's and Mary's stone as he forced himself to return to the living part of his family. Back to a place where time existed and life was going on, or pretending to go on - for Danny felt thrown out of the circle ever since that day. Even though he was a detective of the NYPD, and husband, and father – it wasn't right. It wasn't really his life he was stuck at right now.

As he left the cemetery Danny couldn't resist to turn around and look back, as if hoping Jamie would finally crawl out of the grave and join him for dinner.  
"Please."  
Even the birds had fallen silent. The world kept its breath for a moment, and they were waiting, they all were waiting for the morning, when Danny would wake up and see that it all was just a nightmare, when life would go on.

"Danny! C'mon, Danny, get up! Please!"  
He wanted to get up. He wanted to open his eyes and wake up, just they were so heavy.  
"Can't" he whispered, his mouth was dry. From the speaker he heard a sigh of relief.  
"Okay. Okay, don't hurry, we've time. You're okay." Hands grabbed his collar, he could feel the warm skin at his throat. Somehow the touch made him want to cry.  
"Don't you ever do this to me again, okay?" The other was closer now, and relief still was dropping from his voice like honey. Danny opened one eye.

This couldn't be real.

"I'm sorry. I… god, I thought I'd lost you for a minute. These drugs could have killed you, I didn't see them, Danny, I'm so sorry." One of the hands released the collar and moved gently up to Danny's cheek, checking the temperature and wiping away a single tear drop, or was it sweat? He didn't know.  
All he knew was that he jumped up and pierced the guy against the wall, hands on his collar now, and less gentle.  
"Who the heck are you?" He opened the second eye now, hoping to enlighten the matter, but it still couldn't be.  
It couldn't be Jamie.

"Whoa, Danny, it's okay, it's me! It's me, Jamie. I'm your brother, remember? Pain in the ass, Harvard? I'm a rookie now, and you're not really happy about it. You remember?" Jamie tried to keep his tone light, but Danny saw the fear in his eyes.  
Fear. Fear of losing someone you love. Fear of seeing them dead.  
Danny's hands started shaking. He opened his mouth again but couldn't get a word out so he just took a step back, looking the young man in front of him up and down. Over and over again.

It couldn't be. It couldn't be Jamie because Jamie was dead and this was a dream, he mustn't believe it. He mustn't believe it for a second or his heart would break completely and for always, and…

"Danny! Please! Please remember! It's me." Jamie came closer as if to support Danny who by now shivered uncontrollably. The eyes!  
There was only one person on the world that had such eyes. Such a pleading passion for everyone to be okay.

"Jamie" Danny whispered, eyes glued to the face he once knew so well. It lit up now as Jamie smiled, a smile that radiated out through the whole room. "Yes." The younger one had tears in his eyes, and Danny didn't understand a thing. Not that he really needed to understand right now.  
There was only one thing, one thing he had to know for sure before he could allow his heart to beat again: "You're alive, kid? You're really are? 2013, June, you're real?"

"I am." Jamie was earnest now as he nodded firmly. "I am and you're too, you were drugged by one of those Irish callgirls so Arcavello could run. I'm sorry, Danny." His gaze dropped in shame. "I know I failed you. I should have seen it, and now you were out for almost five hours and… Danny, I'm so sorry…"

"The hell you are!" Finally Danny had dropped into life again, and this time he would not lose it again.  
"I'm so damn proud of you, Jamie" he said, just to say anything before he took Jamie in his arms. He was alive! He was here, here with him, in his arms like the last time just that they were standing, and Jamie was warm and strong and it was him who steadied Danny now, though he was clearly confused.  
"Danny, are you…"  
"Yeah I'm good, kid. I'm very good. And you're a great cop. And the best brother I could ever get, the best brother anyone could ever get, you know that? You are. And I love you. Don't you ever forget that, okay? No matter what I say. Don't forget it!" He pulled back so he could see Jamie's face through the veil of tears. So much for he had no tears left, but that wasn't important either.  
Danny smiled through his tears, he smiled at the sight of the small room of the NYPD he found himself in, smiled despite the bile he felt rising in his throat. Yes he was drugged up, and he would pay for simply drinking… whatever. It didn't matter.

Danny smiled at his little brother who was so handsome and worried and so very much alive right now. "I love you, kid" he said again, still holding Jamie's shoulders in a tight grip. "I…"  
"I love you too, Danny." Jamie's eyes were filled with tears as he hugged Danny back tightly. "I'm so sorry, Danny. And I'm so happy you're back again."  
Danny smiled. "Me too, kid. Trust me."  
He felt Jamie shaking with tears. "I… for a moment I thought I'd… I couldn't live without you, Danny."

Danny's smile got wider. "I know what you mean." He couldn't help but laughing though now he felt really sick. And better than he had felt for a very long time – or only for hours, who knew?  
"Danny?"  
"It's okay, Jamie. Let's just call Linda and dad, right? At least dad should know about it by now, or did you…"  
"Danny!"  
"It's okay, Jamie." He pulled back again but didn't let go of his brother's arms. Maybe it would better if he just chained the kid at his side.  
"It's okay." He had said these lines before, Danny realized, or at least – he had thought so. But it wasn't true. It wasn't true at all. Danny felt light. The world was beautiful again, so beautiful. He was a detective of the NYPD, working in the greatest city on earth, protecting the people. He would protect Jamie. He would not fail him again.  
He would not lose him again.

"Danny! Reagan, wake up!"

Jackie. Danny looked at Jamie, questioningly. "Why you keep Jackie awake, I thought she should be on holidays." But that was in another life, it wasn't real.  
Jamie looked sad now. "I'm so sorry."  
"No, don't be. It's okay…"

"Reagan! Wake up!" Jackie shook his shoulders violently. She looked exhausted and for a moment Danny was sure to see tears in her eyes. "What's wrong, Jackie?" He didn't want his partner to suffer, not now when the world had finally come to make sense again.  
"I… you… you were screaming in your sleep." There were tears in her eyes. Danny looked around in the room. There were four other detectives sitting at their desks, each quickly turning away as Danny's eyes met theirs.

Danny felt sick again. Worse than ever before. His heart beat slower, heavier, and every breath seemed like poison. This had to be a mistake. He couldn't be at his desk now, he was in that small locker room with Jamie –

Jamie.

Jackie held him upright as he half stood, half fell from his chair and threw up right into the trash can.  
"It's okay, Danny, it's okay." She gently rubbed his back. "One of you call Linda, she's gotta be up when we come! It's okay, Regan." Jackie stopped him as he opened his mouth. "I'll bring you home myself, just try not to throw up in my car, okay?" Almost at once she shook her head. "Sorry. I shouldn't make bad jokes here. Do you think you can go?"

"Jamie." Shivering, Danny got up, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. Not again. Please. Not.  
"Where's Jamie, Jackie? Where is he?"  
Jackie stopped dead in her tracks but didn't turn around. She couldn't stifle a sob, though, and that was all Danny had to know.

It hadn't been a dream, it was true, it was true and would never end.  
"No." He had no power left to keep standing. Jackie turned around just in time to catch Danny as he legs gave way beneath him.  
"It's okay, Danny" she said desperately, aware of how unnatural it felt to call Danny by his first name, but unaware of how much these words actually stabbed her partner.

It's okay.

It never would be.

"Jamie" it was Danny could say for the next twenty minutes, all he could breathe in or out, every beat of his heart, every thought until Linda came and held him.

"Jamie."

_I couldn't live without you_, Jamie had said.  
"I can't either" Danny murmured finally, still shaking.  
"What do you mean?" Linda looked at him, tears in her eyes as well as she gently caressed Danny's tear-burnt cheeks. "Danny, what do you mean?"  
He had tried to hide it from her. It wouldn't do.

"I can't live without him, Linda. I can't."


	4. Ten weeks and a day

„He misses you terribly. We all do. That was quite a hunk you threw at us, Jamie." Linda tried to smile and failed. The flowers she had wanted to lay before her brother-in-law's grave were shaking. Almost without noticing she started tearing the petals. "I'm scared, Jamie. I'm so scared. The boys cry openly for you, thank God you've told them it's no shame to cry. Erin comes sometimes when she can't be strong anymore. And… and Henry came by once, just to cry. But Danny..." She shook her head violently to get the tears away. Her lips trembled. "He never talks about you. Not when he's not asked to. He does nothing he's not asked to, anymore. He's just reacting. The only thing he does out of himself is crying. And visiting you here. And Jamie, God knows…or he doesn't, I don't care. I want to be there for Danny. I want to give him the time and space he needs, but… Jack and Sean need their father. And I need my husband!" She closed her eyes in shame. Her fingers were still tearing up the flowers.

"I thought we'd hit the ground now, but… then there was yesterday." Linda opened her eyes again. "He said he couldn't go on like that." Her words cut clear and sharp into the air and hurt her ears. Linda swallowed heavily. The last night had shaken her deeper than she had thought. All through the chaos and pain of life, Danny had been her rock. And she had been his; they were shaped and built perfectly for each other. Until now she had always come to him when the world was breaking down, and he saved her with just a kiss or a look. She had trusted in his power to do so, and in her ability to help him as well.  
But now she couldn't reach him anymore.

"I'm afraid" she whispered hoarsely, waiting for someone, anyone, to answer her. But who was there? Since last night Linda wasn't sure anymore if she could believe someone was there.  
"Where are you" she murmured, eyes cast to the sky, "where are you now that my Danny needs help? Where's you watching over us? Do you want my husband, too? Leaving my kids without a father? Leaving Frank robbed of all of his sons? What?"

"Linda."  
She jerked. "Frank!" It was more a sob than an actual word as Linda collapsed into her father-in-law's arms. For a moment she allowed herself to not be strong as she cried for her broken family, for her once so beautiful life that now seemed shattered before her, for the brother she had lost and the husband she was losing, too.  
"I can't do this anymore, Frank" she whispered into the fabric of Frank's jacket, "he said he can't go on without Jamie and I can't go on without him going on. But I can't bring Jamie back, either." She looked up the man that a long time ago had become her father, more than her biological father had ever been. "What am I supposed to do?"

Frank took a deep breath. He knew what Linda was going through, and he knew how much she was the one holding them together now. She had taken Jamie's place, and she was good at it, but right she was on the edge of breaking down. Frank knew that feeling well. It was his turn now to be strong for her.  
"Danny will never leave you and the boys" he said firmly. "He loves and misses his brothers" his voice broke a little but as Commissioner Frank had learnt to keep his composure, "but he loves Jack and Sean and you more. And he knows that he can't leave you alone. Two of my sons are dead, the last one will not run from the life they didn't get." He sighed. "Of course, this is logic. And Danny never was logic."  
Linda nodded quickly and broke apart. The silence between them became awkward when they realized that neither of them could really bring into words what they were thinking about Danny right now.

"I don't get to him anymore" Linda said eventually, "it's as if he's somewhere else, in a world that's only for him and Jamie, and there he's waiting for him to come back. But he won't come!" She turned around to the grave as if to check if it was still there.

"No, he won't." Frank followed her gaze and gently touched the newest headstone. Beneath lay his youngest child, or – the slowly rotting corpse of what had been Jamie. Teeth clenched as Frank remembered his own nightmare.

"_Help me! Dad, help me, please! Dad!" He ran as fast as he could, but he was too slow. Jamie's pierced cries got weaker and weaker with every moment, and he was so far away.  
"Dad, you gotta get him out!" he heard Danny shouting behind him, Danny, who was holding Joe back from running onto the ice where they had just been playing, there was so much snow they hadn't even noticed the pond at first. Till Jamie had run forth, with Joe coming after him. Of course with his seventeen year old legs he was way faster than the eight-year-old, so in order to be fair Joe had waited a few seconds before he started running.  
If he had followed him at once Frank would be fighting for two of his children's lives now…  
"Jamie! Jamie, get your head up!" Erin yelled, already crying, held by Mary who was too scared to cry. She was used to fear for her husband's life, and as a mother she was always worried about her children. But this was worse than worry, this was her baby in ice cold water, unable to swim, and it was her husband, far heavier, running for him.  
"Jamie!" Frank roared as he ran forward at what he assumed to be the left boundary. He needed to be fast, but he mustn't step onto the ice or it would bring them both down.  
Just that he could swim.  
"Dad, he's under!" Danny shouted, and Joe started crying, too.  
Under. How many seconds could Jamie live without oxygen? How deep would he sink down, and how should he find him in the dark water?  
Frank nearly collapsed as the realization made it through every cell of his body: He would lose. He would lose the battle, and he would lose his little boy. He would never see Jamie smile again or having him sitting on his knees, listening to his stories and asking about God and the world.  
His children would lose their brother, their little companion, the one they all had sworn to raise and protect, the one even Danny got soft with. Frank was never so proud of his kids as when he saw them caring for each other, it was then that he knew that he hadn't been to bad a father.  
And of course, Mary was a wonderful mother. And now she was about to lose her son, a kid she had carried with her nine exhausting months, the baby she had nourished and clothed and played with and taught and loved every moment of his existence._

_He couldn't lose Jamie._

_With a loud cry Frank let himself drop onto the ice. It broke, and he swam through the pieces without really noticing the cold. The cries of his family went lower as he made his way over to where he believed he saw something light slowly sinking down. A second lost with terrified staring, then Frank dove into the water, deep and deeper, after the figure. Now he felt the ice, it burnt his face and hands and pierced his lungs. He couldn't stay here, but he couldn't leave without his boy, he couldn't…"_

"Frank?" Now he jerked as Linda gently touched his shoulder. She had cowered down beside him, her eyes wide with sympathy. His face must have showed enough for her to understand, but he couldn't talk about it. Not now.  
This dream had ended the wrong way, because in reality he had saved Jamie that day. Of course the little one got sick, but he survived. He was alive. Then.

Just now this was no comfort anymore, because now Jamie was dead. Frank had lost.  
"My sweet boys" he whispered, "may your mother forgive me for losing you."  
"Frank" Linda gasped, hit again by the power of the sadness that held the big man down. Slowly she stood up, reaching out to him to help him. After a moment Frank took it, and got up, too. He seemed ten years older than before. Without a world they hugged, holding up each other through the grieve that didn't fade.

Eventually Frank let go and walked towards the cemetery's entrance. Linda followed him quietly. As they reached the Reagan's house Frank sighed deeply. "How do I look like?"  
Linda did her best to smile. "Good enough."  
Frank chuckled joyless. Then he got earnest again.

"I'll speak with Danny."


	5. Eleven weeks

**June 26****th****, ten weeks and three days after Jamie's death**

"Reagan?"  
"Good morning, detective."  
Danny swallowed. "Hey, dad. You're calling as the commissioner or…"  
"That depends on who is more likely to get through to you" Frank said gravely. "We need to talk, Danny."  
"Yes, sir." Danny closed his eyes in frustration. He didn't want to talk anymore, especially not to his father. He didn't want to be strong anymore; he was tired of being the only son. He was so tired.  
He heard his father breathing in sharply at the "Sir" but was too weak to say he was sorry. And if he did start to excuse himself he knew he wouldn't find an end.  
_Sorry I called you sir. Sorry I'm avoiding you. Sorry I'm such a bad son and husband and brother. Sorry I'm left. Sorry I let Jamie and Joe die. Sorry I'm still here and they're not. Sorry I can't do this anymore…  
_"I'll see you on Sunday?" Frank did his best not to shy his only son away.  
Danny nodded in relief, though his father couldn't see him. "Yes, that's good, dad. We'll be here, and then we can talk. See you."  
"Okay. I…" The line went dead. Frank sighed. "I love you, son" he finished into the air and then put down the phone with shaking hands. He knew what Linda meant.  
He couldn't lose Danny.

**June 30th, eleven weeks after Jamie's death**

"So what do you want to talk about, dad?" Danny tried to sound casually but clearly avoided his father's eyes. Frank took a deep breath. He looked at Linda whose glance was fixed on her husband. The look in her eyes was plain hopelessness. "Let's go outside."  
Danny followed his father to – the cemetery. Was there any other place left to go?  
"How you're doing, dad?"  
"I wanted to ask you the same."  
"Yes, I know. But I asked first." His smile was so faked that it hurt in the corners of his mouth and Danny couldn't hold it for long. "What do you want, dad?" He turned to his father but Frank just kept looking ahead. He didn't stop till her reached his wife's grave. Gently he touched the stone. Not long. He would see her again, and he would see his sons again. But now he had to be strong, and this was hard – because the greatest power in his life had been Mary. And every day without her left him weaker.  
"Danny…" he started, and suddenly he had his son's full attention. "Dad!" He put his arms around his father to keep him steady. "Dad, what's wrong?" A hot shot of fear ran through his body. _Not dad. Please. Not dad. Please, mom, I know I've disappointed you, but don't take dad away from me, please!_

Frank nodded. "I'm okay. As far… as I can be." He looked at his eldest. "Linda's scared, Danny. She fears she will lose you, too." His glance got more questioningly, his voice sharper. "I told her you would never do anything to hurt her or your sons. Are you gonna make me a liar?" Attacking was the best defense, and Frank had learnt to act invincible. Invulnerable. As the police commissioner it was his job to be more than a man to the people of New York. Now he had to be more than a father, or he would break down. _Please_, he prayed silently, _please, don't take Danny. I know I've failed my sons, I failed to protect him, but please let me keep Danny, let him stay._

"I…" Danny was taken aback by the direct question. "No, I won't. I'm okay."  
"You are?" Frank did his best not to show his relief. It seemed wrong here on the cemetery to feel happiness even for a second, but he couldn't help it. And he knew that Jamie would understand. He always wanted the people around him to be happy. Frank fought back the tears that threatened to overwhelm him. For now all he could do was to trust Danny's word.

"You need to talk to your wife, son" he said and couldn't help adding, "as long as you can."  
Danny shivered. Losing Linda was the only thought he had managed to avoid so far – because it was too much. There was no way of living without her. If she was gone he would be dead, too. There was no other way.  
"Danny?"  
"I'm okay, dad" he repeated with clenched teeth. "Why shouldn't I? We'll get over it." He took a step forward. "I've done my best, dad. I've done all I can to be a good husband, and a good son. I'm still here." His voice got more aggressive now, and Frank didn't object. As long as Danny was angry he was fighting, and that was all he needed. All he could ask for.

"I'm trying my best to keep this city going, I'm working my ass off every day and I've never complained. My sons will not suffer because of me, I'm not the one who's left us! I'm still here! I'm still here and he's gone, they're all gone, they all chose to abandon us, they…" He broke off, shivering. Tears were streaming down his face.  
"They left us, dad. Mom, Joe, now Jamie… why did they go? Jamie – what did he think? How am I supposed to live without him, dad?"  
His eyes were those of a child's, of a hurt puppy – the same eyes as Jamie had had, and it choked Frank up to see him like this. His little boy, his boys – they were all so different. And all so the same. And neither had deserved their destiny.  
He searched for words and failed. It was all he could do to pull his son into a fierce embrace.

"I want to be strong, dad" Danny whispered eventually. "I want to be a good husband for Linda, god knows she deserves everything she wants." He slowly pulled back, still crying. "And I want to be a good father for Jack and Sean. I always wanted to be a good father, just like you. I wanted to be like you." He managed a smile, and this time, painful as it was, it was honest. Then it vanished.  
"Dad, how am I supposed to be like you? How can I go on with my life after that? Without Jamie? How?"  
"I don't know it, son." Frank's voice was hoarse. "But I think that wanting to go on is a good start. And you are…" He smiled proudly, "Danny you already are a wonderful father for your sons. And you're a great husband." He sighed. "And Joe knew, and Jamie knew and Erin still knows that you're a wonderful brother." He swallowed. "And you're a wonderful son. Don't dare forgetting that. I…" He looked down, then turned around to face the cemetery's door. "I will not… I cannot… don't make me… I can't lose another child, Danny."  
Danny nodded and forced his corded throat to open up at least for one sentence. "You won't, dad. I promise."


	6. Eleven weeks, later on

When Frank and Danny returned to the house Linda was gone, having taken her sons and Nicky to the movies – a rare occasion since Nicky's taste for films had started to differ from her cousins' in the last years. "Epic", however, had interested the three of them, and Linda felt they needed to be together in happier circumstances.

Jamie's ghost was still haunting the Reagan's house, and though they all tried to keep the mood at least neutral, and eve managed to laugh sometimes, it strained the kids to be there every Sunday.  
In the past weeks Nicky had started to turn to Linda – instead of Jamie who couldn't answer her anymore. Nicky still talked to her uncle every night, but just like her mother she avoided the cemetery as much as possible. And just like her remaining uncle she had started dreading family dinner for all the grief that weighed it down.  
The adults spoke about what was bothering them, they went through the same memories and questions over and over again – but at least they talked. The children were mostly left to suffer alone, not daring to break the atmosphere. It hurt Linda to realize how she had neglected her sons in order to… well, watch over her husband. There was nothing she would have done differently in the end, but it still was wrong.  
Jamie's death was wrong.  
As Linda bought four tickets she found herself smiling for the first time this day. She needed the distraction, too. And she knew that Danny was more likely to open up when he didn't feel he had to be strong for her.

Frank did his best to think positive as they entered the house, but the mere suggestion of Danny killing himself was still more than he could bear. Ever since he had talked to Linda the iron fist around his heart seemed to be closing firmer, making it hard to breathe sometimes. He hadn't talked to anybody about it, not even to his father – and that was hard, given that he lived in the same house and Henry always could tell he was hiding something.

He watched Danny enter the living room, learning that his wife and kids were gone and didn't know if this was good or bad right now. Whom would Danny live for now?

The next thing Frank saw, however, brought tears in his eyes: At once Danny walked over to his little sister and pulled her in a fierce embrace. Astonished, Erin froze for a moment before she returned the hug and eased down at her brother's shoulder.  
"I'm sorry I've let you down", Danny whispered. "But I'm here, okay? I'm always here for you. You know that, right?"  
"I do." Erin pulled back and smiled with tears in her eyes. "Danny you let nobody down. It's okay."  
It wasn't a smile that crossed Danny's face but a smirk, he couldn't do more now.

But it was enough. Frank smiled. Though his heart was still sore from all the grief, at least the fear of losing Danny to himself was gone now. His son was home again, and he would find a way to stay on the path of the living now.

Frank knew the feeling of not belonging to earth or heaven – he himself had been the same after Mary's death. He couldn't live in the human world anymore, with all the people pretending that nothing had changed, that life was simply going on. Without Mary at his side he had felt like he was missing something – she was his translator, the one to impart between him and reality. It was his family that had grounded him, brought him back to the world. And now, finally, it seemed Danny got grounded again, too.

Jack and Sean were building an elves' castle out of lego bricks when Danny finally came home. He had stayed with his dad and sister a little longer, and had then walked home afoot to get his mind clear.  
Now he stood in the door, silently watching the greatest gift life had given him: two wonderful, healthy little boys, playing together. Brothers, just like him and Joe and Jamie had been. Danny smiled as the memories of long gone days mingled with the present he saw now. Brothers. No matter how the world changed, these years of childhood would never be taken from him. And they would never be forgotten. His sons lived the life he had lived with his brothers, it was a love that didn't stop in one generation.

"Danny?" Quietly Linda had stood up and come to him, alarmed as she saw the fresh tears on her husband's eyes. Danny looked at her, at his beautiful, strong wife, the love of his life that would carry him through everything.  
"I'm so sorry" he said, again this day, as he gently caressed her cheeks, "Baby, I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you. For the boys. I…" His voice broke.  
Despite the tears Linda couldn't help but smile. "It's okay. It's okay, Danny." Then she kissed him before her voice could break, too. She held him close, and Danny clung to her as if his life depended on it. Which it did, he realized. Everything he was, everything he had in this life was his family. His dad and grandfather, his sister and niece. His wife and his sons. He was blessed in so many ways… how could he not do his best to be there for them?  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I promise I'll be here, I will be good again, I want… I want to be good again. Linda, I…"  
She let go of him, expectantly looking into his eyes, and Danny knew he had just reached the breaking point. If he could be strong now he would make it. He would get to live without Jamie – it still hurt so bad but what else could he do? Jamie wouldn't come back in this life, no matter how much he prayed for it. No matter how much he screwed up without his little brother.  
He would not come back.  
"I want to be good again" he slowly repeated, and Linda's smile was so full of relief and love that Danny started to laugh, loud and honest, till finally Jack and Sean left their play world and ran over to their dad, automatically laughing with their parents.  
"Daddy!"  
They fell into each others arms, crying and laughing altogether. Danny closed his eyes. "I love you guys so much, you know that?"  
"Of course we do!" Jack grinned. "That was one of the first things uncle Jamie told me when I went to school."  
"Me too, me too! But I didn't understand it at first" Sean admitted.  
Even Linda seemed to be surprised by that. Danny took a deep breath. "What did he tell you?"  
Jamie would never be far away.  
Jack shrugged. "He said something like no matter how loud you yell if I get bad marks, I shouldn't bother. Because you weren't good in school either."  
Linda chuckled then became earnest. "But he never stopped trying and learning, Jack. And that is not an excuse for being lazy."  
"We know, mom! That's not the point!" Sean carked.  
"What is the point?" Danny asked, hovering on the floor, holding his sons at arm's length.

"The point is that no matter how loud you get you will always love us" Jack explained, "and it doesn't matter how angry you get sometimes or… like… that even if we sometimes disappoint you it doesn't mean that you, you two" - he quickly looked at his mother, too, who had her head resting on Danny's shoulder and was beaming with pride of both her sons and her little brother-in-law –"don't love us anymore. Because…"  
"Because you always will" Sean finished proudly. "And we love you too" he added quickly. "Dad, can we some ice cream?"

This night Linda and Danny brought their sons to bed together before they went to bed – together as well, and to sleep with each other for the first time in eleven weeks.  
As Linda fell asleep in his arms Danny let his mind wander back through the day.  
_Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for reminding my sons of how they'll never be alone, and that I love them when I wasn't able to do it. Thank you for being in our lives. I'll see you again, kid. I'll see you again and then I won't let you down again. And till then… I'll fight. I promise I'll fight for this city, Joe, Jami, the way we all dreamt to do, the way we all did. We're Reagans, and we're the NYPD. I'll make you proud, guys. I'll make you proud. _


	7. Twenty weeks

**September 1st, 2013 - twenty weeks after Jamie's death**

"Hey, uncle Jamie. It's been a long time. And… I'm doing fine. My trip to L.A. with Dad and Cassie was a blast, we had so much fun! And now it's over… can't believe I'm starting a new year on school tomorrow. It's strange how time passes even though sometimes you feel like it doesn't, and that every hour lasts for years." Nicky's smile faded as she looked up from her shoes and onto the stone that marked her uncle's grave.  
"I've been thinking of you a lot in L.A. The cops there are pretty cool, not as cool as you and uncle Joe and uncle Danny, but… still cool. And every time I saw one of them I had to think of you. You'd like it there. And you'd sure make some friends." Another try to smile that failed. Nicky bowed her head again.  
"But after we came back I stopped thinking of you at night" she whispered, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, but with all that's been happening… I just…" Nicky quickly wiped away the tears of shame that rolled out of her eyes, "I'm so sorry, uncle Jamie. I didn't forget you, I never will. And every time I think of you, I miss you. But… dad never cried. And when I came home, mom wasn't crying, either, and on Sunday it's become almost normal since uncle Danny started his therapy. Not that anyone is allowed to mention it, of course. I think he still hates going there, but he has to. He has to…" She folded her hands nervously, "he has to… not think about you every second. He needs to get away from the thoughts of you, just like he does with uncle Joe and grandma. He hasn't forgotten you, uncle Jamie. And I haven't either. Really."

Nicky breathed in shakily. She still couldn't look to the gravestone. The dark marble seemed to stare at her, with stone hard eyes – harder than Jamie's eyes ever had been.  
"Sometimes I get to think about the good memories of you. But most of the time when I force myself to remember, I… I just miss you. And then it hurts, and I want to cry, and I can't go to mom because I don't want her to cry as well, and I can't turn to Danny or aunt Linda because they're both too busy with Danny. And I don't wanna go to grandpa. I mean… he's lost another son, and I don't know how he's handling it, he always smiles when he sees us, but after we're gone… I don't know how far he is. And grandpa Henry… I don't know. We don't get along too well these days."  
Despair was displaced by irritation as Nicky remembered the last family dinner they had. "He's changed a lot. I get it that teenagers and old men disagree sometimes, and I know he likes fighting with uncle Danny, but lately… it's not funny anymore. He's angry at uncle Danny for starting the therapy, the first time he told us grandpa Henry stood up from the table yelling he didn't want to sit next to a sissy and ran out. You should've seen uncle Danny's face. Or aunt Linda's." Nicky shook her head. "I've never seen her so furious in my life. She was like… like… I don't know. She stood up and said something like she didn't want to be in a house where it wasn't allowed to be human and think of the ones you loved and stuff, and somehow her voice was really scary. Then she and mom brought Danny and the boys home, and I had to stay while grandpa tried to talk to grandpa Henry."  
The girl shrugged. "Two days later I left for L.A., and when I came back three weeks ago… it really seemed like it was getting better. That was before I realized that aunt Linda only comes when grandpa Henry isn't there, and vice versa. It seems like uncle Danny has forgiven him, but she can't."

Finally Nicky found the strength to look at the stone. She moved closer and gently touched the sun-warmed surface. "Everyone's changed a lot since you've left us, uncle Jamie. No, sorry." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Since you died. Dad says I have to say it as it is or I will always try to make it undone. I wish I could." She smiled sadly. "I'm afraid we're not changing for the better. And I'm alone. I want to help them but I don't know how. It can't be all about bringing good marks home, right? Okay" she sighed dramatically, trying in vain to make the marble grin at her, "that may be a part. And I will work hard, I promise. But that won't make it better for anybody. It's only one worry less."

"What's one worry less?" Nicky jerked as she heard her mother's voice from behind.  
"Mom, I…"  
"Don't worry – make that one worry less of yours, I haven't heard a thing." Erin smiled gently.

She hated this place where the dead were worshipped – did they really need cold stone to remind them that their loved ones were cold under the ground? That she never would bury her head in her mother's lap when life was too much, that she never would wrestle with Joe and hold Jamie's hand again? Life reminded her of that every day.

"Yeah, but you just heard that."  
"Because I just came to get you. Traffic's already heavy and we have to drive almost through half the city." Slowly Erin's glance moved past her daughter to her little brother's gravestone, and it made tears build in her eyes. There. She'd known it.  
It was one thing to live without Jamie from day to day. Erin had learnt to do that, and though she missed calling him and laughing with him, she managed to live her life and even be happy. She was moving on.  
But it was another thing to read the truth – that Jamie's life here had ended, that she wasn't seeing him anymore not because she had no time but because he wasn't here. And no matter how long she would wait, they would never meet again on this earth.

Erin closed her eyes. "I miss you, Jamie" she whispered, then quickly wiped off the tears just as her daughter had done.  
Nicky broke the distance and hugged her mom. "I miss him, too." Erin kissed her daughter's hair. "That's bad. I don't want you to miss anything. Especially not your manicure date." She smiled broadly. "Let's go!"  
Nicky raised her eyebrows but only nodded. Smiling at the gravestone she turned around, pulling her mother with her.


	8. Twenty-two weeks

**September 15th, 2013**

_Young police officer killed in car accident. On his way to his betrothed. Drunk driver. _  
The words blurred before his eyes, tired and dry despite to the grief that wouldn't let go of him. There more better days each week, but today was a bad one. As Frank put the newspaper aside, his hands were shaking. Officer Patrick Monroe, best sniper in his class in the academy. He remembered the young cop from the graduation day – only one week ago.  
One week. One week to live his dream, that was all that Patrick had got. And then it had ended, not on duty, not out on the streets he had sworn to protect, but while driving in private.

He would not be seen as the hero he was. Frank tried again to read the whole article, but he couldn't. His eyes were cleverer than himself, lately – they knew when to shut and when to open wide. He couldn't carry this loss, too. But it was impossible to read about such a young man's – a young police officer's – death and not think about his sons. Two young police officers themselves, proud to wear the uniform, dreaming of a safer city, dreaming of their own family. And it had happened so fast. It always happened so fast, and you never saw it coming.

His mother, diagnosed with heavy dementia for three weeks when she had killed herself with sleeping pills and red wine. Till now this was a secret between father and son, Frank hadn't even told Mary about the suicide, had let her believe it had been because of the illness.  
Mary – breast cancer. Five months to say everything that would have needed fifty years.  
Joe and Jamie – shot. One word to say it, one second to end it all.

Enough. Frank forced his thoughts away, away just for now – he still had matters with the living. He had children and grandchildren, and thousands of police officers to care for, and with every morning he was thankful he still had them.  
And he had his father. Frank sighed. Moving to the problem he thought had been settled, but again his eyes had shown him that it wasn't.

After the graduation, Linda had finally agreed to sit on the table together with Henry, but that didn't mean at all that she had forgiven him. If glances were bullets, Henry would have been more pierced than his poor boys together.

"Pops, we've got to talk." He entered the kitchen right as Henry wanted to leave it, and after a moment of eye-dueling, Henry gave up. He knew exactly what it was about.  
"I will not bow before Linda" he said stubbornly, "but you can tell her I will accept her excuse for Danny's sake." Again a challenging look, and again Frank was untouched by it.  
"I will not have my mouth bound in this house, I won't! I've been through this as well as Danny has, I have my rights, and whatever wrong I may have done, I have done it to my own blood, not to her! I refuse to understand any of her anger when it comes down to…"  
"Do you really want to lose your last grandson?"

Henry stopped midsentence. In his son's eyes was a shadow of tears but he stood calm as a rock, letting his words sink in. Last one. Danny was the only son left, the only out of three!  
"What?" Henry finally croaked, "why Danny? He's forgiven me." For a moment his voice became a plea. "He said it's okay, he says he understands and… and…"  
"And he has forgiven you. He has because he is as proud and stubborn as you are. But Linda is even more stubborn than you, and she's a lioness. You know that. She has survived these years on Danny's side because she knows how to fight, and to protect her family. I understand her." Frank made a step towards his father, gesturing to the kitchen chairs. Henry – stubbornly – shook his head and Frank sat down alone.

"You have insulted her husband. The father of her children. Her best friend. You know what marriage is like. In all the time you had with mom… would you have accepted anybody telling her she should not do as she did when it helped her? When she started working out and run marathons just to get away from the pain of losing Daniel, would you have anybody say a word against her?"

Daniel Reagan, Frank's younger brother by six years. At least that was what he should have been – Betty had lost her second child in the third month of pregnancy. It was ironic that now, Daniel was the only son to survive.

Henry's jaw tightened. "No" he said firmly, "but your mother would always go her own way. She got over the grief on her own, without help from strangers. She didn't go telling everybody about it!"

"Everybody? You better learn counting, pops. It's one therapist, one man, a cop just like Danny and I."  
"Are you excluding me from your party? Don't dare talking to me like that, Francis, you're still my son, and I'm still a cop!"  
"No, you're not!" Frank was in father-mode now, and that meant he would not bow even before his own father. He had to protect his son now, and he would do it, against every enemy that might come. Even if it was his own father.

"You're not a cop anymore" he said through clenched teeth, "you've been one, and you survived to get your pension. Joe and Jamie weren't that lucky. I lost them. We lost them. I was responsible for them, and I lost them, and you and I know that Danny always felt responsible for his siblings, too. That's how we educated our children, to watch over each other. Now I lost another son, my youngest, who had just crawled out of his baby bed. He was hardly old enough to understand what he was fighting for, despite all his knowledge and understanding. He was too young. He died. And I couldn't do anything against the death surrounding me, I couldn't. Now my son has found a way to deal with the grief, he had found a way to fight back into life. I could have lost two sons this spring, but thanks to Linda, and thanks to Jack and Sean and Dr. Blye, Danny stayed alive. He has found the strength to get up again and I will not let anyone take away whatever help he needs!"

Though sitting, Frank filled the kitchen. There was no other way. He had to hammer some reason into his father, or one day Linda would leave the family table for good, and Danny would have to follow her, if she wanted him to or not.

Henry was shaken. Slowly he grabbed a chair and sat down. "He was that close?" he murmured, "that close to…" he didn't end the sentence.  
Kill himself, just like his grandmother had done.

Again Frank let it sink in before he spoke again, much gentler now, "I want you to explain to Danny and Linda why you were against the therapy, and I want you to say you're sorry. To both of them."  
Still shocked, Henry nodded, and the police commissioner took over, straight and businesslike, "I expect you to settle this matter, pops. I will not lose our family."  
_Any more than I already have_. He didn't say it but Henry heard it still.

"Good." Frank got up. "Then have a good night, pops." He was not yet over his anger, not enough to look back.

Till he heard his father sobbing silently.

"Pops?"

"I need a break" Henry murmured, slowly standing up, too, "can't you understand that I need a break of all this? Can't it stop for once?" He looked at his son as if he was looking right through him.  
Frank was puzzled. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean all the deads surrounding us" Henry wailed, unable to control himself any longer, "I miss my wife. I blame myself I wasn't there for her, I should have helped her, I should have been by her side when she died, she shouldn't have gone through this alone. Don't look at me that way, Francis, you know how she was! You know what this disease can do to people! If it would have been me, I'd killed myself all the same. I'd have put out my gun and stuck it into my mouth. But it wasn't me, and I didn't. And I couldn't help her. And then there was your wife, dying too young. And I saw you suffer just like I had when Betty died, and I couldn't help you. And then my grandson got killed. Your son. I was so sure there was nothing worse than burying your own child. Every time I see your Danny I get reminded of my Danny, of my poor son who never had the chance to live, and now your son needs a stranger's help! I can't but think about how my son would have acted if he was the Danny alive. And then, when I thought that maybe someday there would be peace in our house… it's Jamie." With tears in his eyes, he looked up to his son who by now had come closer again.

"It's Jamie. Little Jamie who tried to solve every quarrel he saw, who made Danny be a protector and a good guy even when he was a jerk. Who had no other intention than to make people happy. And now he's dead. And no matter what good he has done to make us happy it's all in vain because you can never heal from that pain. And I need a break, Francis! I need this pain to stop, just for a while." He shivered, but would not be helped by Frank as he walked past him to the stairs.

Before climbing up he turned around. "I didn't want to hurt Danny. Or Linda. I will make amends with them. I'll see if they forgive me." He looked very old by now.  
"Good night, son."

And then he was gone, with Frank left behind in the kitchen.  
It really wasn't a good day today.


	9. Twenty-seven weeks

**October 19th, 2013  
**„Hey, you're up to a barbecue Sunday evening? Wives and kids welcome, Bryant's buying the meat." Jackie's voice was casual as always as she threw the question to her partner, as if it wasn't that important. He smiled briefly, thanking her for her consequent trying of keeping him in the social life of the precinct.  
Since he'd started the therapy, Danny had said yes to such invitations two times, and bothof the evenings had ended with him getting drunk and leaving early.  
It still was hard to accept the fact that Jamie was dead. It wasn't ripping out his heart with every beat anymore, time had seen to that – time, what time? Those six months? What were they, compared to the time all of them would have to live without Jamie in the future? – but it still was a wound in his heart, a little sore spot that would make any wonderful event a little less bright.

But he had to go on, for his family, for his city. For himself.  
"Okay" he heard himself say, "Six pm?"  
"Yep" Jackie nodded, satisfied with her partner's progress. "And bring your family."  
"Alright."

"Hey, baby!" Danny smiled as he came home, an honest smile that grew as he saw Linda's face light up. How could he ever thank her enough for being in his life?  
"Anything up for Sunday? Cause the precinct's having a barbecue. And I told Jackie we'd come." Danny smiled proudly as he hugged his wife. It had been a good day, and he was going on. He was on his best way to live in a way that would make Jamie proud of him, wherever he was now.

Linda backed away. "Danny…"  
"What? I know, it's late, but it should be warm on Sunday. Come on, it'll be fun!" As he tried to convince her Danny felt his own excitement rising.

Linda swallowed. She was so glad to see Danny energetic like that, and looking forward to the days coming. The therapy was hard on all of them, but at least it did work. The mere thought of breaking this smile tore her apart, but she knew that she had to – it would be so much worse if she didn't, if he would remember afterwards…  
"Danny, it's Jamie's birthday!"

Danny felt hit with a ton of bricks. Linda was still speaking but he didn't understand her words.  
He had forgotten. It was half a year, and he had forgotten. Both shock and guilt made his throat tighten, he couldn't breathe.  
How could this have happened? Twenty-first of October, there was only one meaning this day could ever have, how on earth could he have forgotten about it?

"Danny…" Linda's hands on his face broke the spell. Shivering, Danny started breathing again. It took him a moment to find the courage to look into his wife's eyes. They were as beautiful as on the first day, but dark with sorrow and sympathy. "It's okay" she said quickly, "Danny, we all try to forget, we all try not to count the days."  
He nodded, more to calm her down than because he agreed. Given, he was trying not to count the days – that was part of his therapy, too. Seeing every new day only as another one without Jamie was not a good prospect to enjoy life. Still – he was betraying Jamie. Half a year and he already did his best to forget his little brother, to shove him out of his life. Jamie had deserved more from his big brother. Danny hadn't been able to save him, he owed to keep alive what remained from him. "Please just don't tell the boys" he whispered into Linda's hair as he pulled her close and felt her nodding fiercely. "Of course."

"Mom?" Nicki, already in her pajamas, came back to the living room.  
Erin looked up from the file – she hated to take her work home but if she didn't, Nicki would be alone till midnight. "What's up?"  
"I was just thinking about… uncle Jamie." Nicki's voice faded in the end. Erin swallowed, bracing herself for the topic. She patted the couch next to her, and thankfully Nicki sat down. They had talked about Jamie almost every week before the holidays, and at the beginning Erin had been sure that both of them needed it. She still needed to talk about her baby brother, but she had accepted Nicki's decision to stop. She knew that Jamie had meant much to her daughter, more than her other uncles or her aunt, and that she would never forget him.  
"What did you think about?"  
Nicki looked at her hands. "It's his birthday this Sunday. What are we gonna do?"  
Erin sighed. The thought kept gnawing at her the whole week. "I guess we'll still meet at Grandpa's and eat together and then… then we'll go see Joe and mom. And Jamie."

The teenager nodded. "It will be strange."  
"It will be extremely strange" Erin confirmed, "and sad. And if you don't want to come, it's okay. Really." Gently she stroked her daughter's earnest face. "I love you, Nicki, and I don't want you to suffer anymore. This is hard enough as it is, and I need to see you smile. So…"  
"Mom!" Nicki backed away angrily. "Do you think this is it? Do you think only because I stop talking about uncle Jamie that I forgot about him? Is that what you all think?"  
"Wha- no! No, Nicki, no!" Erin was stunned. "Nobody thinks that. And who is "you" in that case?"  
"Well, I don't know. Grandpa. Grandpa Henry." She paused. "Sometimes I thought dad and you want me to forget about him, too." She looked at her mother again, and for the first time Erin saw the strong resemblance to Jamie – the deep seriousness that at once had made people trust him.  
"I don't want to forget uncle Jamie, and I won't. Like I will never forget uncle Joe, no matter how much it hurts. I will survive it, I know it's hard and it's unfair and I miss them but I need to go on. And to go on I need time, I need to do this on my own. Please, mom!" She moved closer to her mother again. "Please let me get over it my way."  
Erin nodded, though it broke her heart anew. Her daughter was growing up. And it was like they said… what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  
She wasn't sure if this could ever be true for herself or Danny or her father, but she hoped it would be for Nicki.

**October 21st, 2013 – 27****th**** week  
**Danny waited outside as his family got into the house. It had become a kind of tradition that the siblings went inside together on tough days. Unfortunately, while the numbers of such days increased, their number decreased. A vicious circle, like his therapist would have called it. But for Danny it was not only a mark of sadness now – he needed to wait for Erin to make sure she was okay, and to show her that he would always be there for her. They only had each other now, and they would stick together. No matter the odds. He had to believe that at least his sister would last, he couldn't even bear the thought of losing Erin, too.

"Hey, uncle Danny!" Smiling, Nicki hugged her uncle. Danny smiled, too. "Hey, Nicki. How was math?"  
The teenager beamed. "A."  
"A? You've been freaking out and then you got an A? Get out of my sight, you genius!" Tears burnt in his eyes as he laughed. Erin put her arm around her brother's shoulders. "It's weird, isn't it?" Her eyes were fixed on her daughter who just got out of sight.  
"Weird?" Danny swallowed. "That's not weird, that's… you sure it's not a kind of expulsion?"  
Erin smirked. "Hearing that from Danny Reagan…" then she sighed. "I feared it would be, but… I don't think so anymore. She's a teenager now, there are features just developing and… I don't know. Maybe it has been there all the time, and we just didn't see it. They're related, after all. It is normal that she's… somehow alike to…"  
"Alike?" Danny shook his head. "Erin, she _is_ Jamie."  
Erin closed her eyes. "No, she's not, Danny. My daughter is who she is and whoever she wants to be. And Jamie's…"  
"God, Erin, I know she's not… hey, come on, don't…"  
"Jamie will never come back." Finally, Erin looked at him. Danny realized she hadn't had to say it for him but for herself.

"Twenty-seven, Danny. Where were you on your twenty-seventh birthday?"  
He put his arm around her shoulders just as she had done before as he tried to remember the time – eleven years ago. "I guess that was the day Linda told me she was pregnant" he murmured. "It was one of the best days of my life. You?"  
Erin sighed. "Nicki wrote a birthday card for me – though she couldn't even write then. Jack told me he'd offered to help her but she wanted to do it alone. He brought me pancakes and coffee to the bed." She shook her head. "Danny, how comes we are so much older than Jamie ever will be? He'll never ask himself what he did today, he…" She bit her lips. "You know, sometimes I think I get over it. I mean, like I somehow got over mom and Joe."  
Danny frowned. "You got over Joe?"  
The attorney shrugged. "I don't know. I guess. In a way. I don't know!" She took a deep breath and forced herself to move out of her brother's embrace. "Let's go, okay?"  
Danny nodded understandingly. "Let's go."

Frank looked up into the clear blue sky. The Bible said that heaven wasn't a geographical term, but where else should it be than up above?  
Erin moved to his side, her glance following her father's. "Do you think they're together again up there?"  
The commissioner smiled. "I do." For her short moment he closed his eyes, then opened them and looked around. It wasn't the first time since the funeral that they went to the cemetery together – in fact, they had done so for most of the summer. Whoever visited the Reagans on Sunday visited all of them, living and dead.

Frank took a deep breath. "Happy birthday, son. We… we…"  
"We're here again. Like we've always been" Danny continued calmly, his arms wrapped around his wife. "I don't know where you are exactly, I just hope… man, I just hope you and Joe are having a great party. I mean, a really good one, like we did in 1999… not that anything happened, dad" he quickly added. Frank just smiled.  
"We will keep it that way, Jamie", Linda picked up the speech, "we will see each other on your birthday, and we'll be thankful for everything you gave us. Every year again. We miss you, but we are glad for the time we had with you."  
Henry nodded fiercely. He had eventually made his peace with Linda, but the situation was still kind of awkward.  
Till now. Linda gently but firmly took her grandfather-in-law's hand and squeezed it. Henry beamed. "You've got a wonderful family you left down there, Jamie" he said, half laughing, half earnest. "But you've got some wonderful people up there with you, too, so… don't forget about us down here or I will hit you with my cane."

The others looked down at the eldest' words. Henry had stumbled over a curbstone two weeks ago, and had sprained his ankle. The three hours he had spent in hospital, waiting for the diagnosis, had made him age ten years. As had the fight with Danny and Linda.  
Slowly, Henry James Reagan got ready for leaving the world.

They had noticed it, but were still too afraid to talk about it. They all hoped it would be only a phase, a moment of desperation and weakness they all had now and then.  
But truth was, Henry was old. His wife, his daughter-in-law and two grandsons waited for him in heaven.

Erin closed her eyes, her fingers digging into her father's coat. He had his mother, his wife and two of his children waiting.  
An old fear welled up, the fear to lose her father – not to a gun, not to illness. To grief.

Searching for help, Erin's eyes wandered around. Danny smiled at her encouragingly.  
Nicki leant at her mother. "Your turn to say something" she whispered.

Erin put her arm around her daughter and looked at the stone in front of her. It was wrong. It was so wrong to celebrate the birthday of a man who would never be older than twenty-six. What would the celebrate next year? The third time of twenty-six? Or would they keep on counting how old Jamie could be if he hadn't been torn away from them?

Frank looked at his daughter – so strong, so passionate, so much like her mother. "You know" he said, "at Jamie's funeral, you said he was holding us together."  
Erin nodded slowly. "I remember. And Danny said he still would do it." She wiped over her face.  
"I hope you do, Jamie" she murmured to the stone, "I hope you're not too disappointed by us. We try, okay? We try to…" Erin stopped mid-sentence and shook her head.  
She had been talking the whole week, had shouted and accused and defended and fought against everyone who dared entering her bureau. This should be her little brother's special day but he wasn't there, and she missed him. Missed Joe.  
"We still miss you, and we love you, and will never forget you. Thanks for being here." It was all she could say, and Danny's smile told her it had been the right thing. Thankfully she smiled back at her brother.

Danny swallowed. It was a hard job looking after this family, but he was determined to do it. Somehow Jamie had always managed to be there for each of them, and to hold them all upright. Now he would do it.  
"Happy birthday, kid."


	10. Thirty-six weeks

_It might be a bit cheesy, but… the song mentioned is "There you'll be" by Faith Hill. _

Snow had fallen for the past few days, not enough to make the traffic break down completely, but enough to make it difficult staying on your way on the cemetery.  
Danny had stopped trusting his eyes, his feet knew the way well enough. Now he was standing in front of his family's graves, with snow landing on his head and shoulders. He didn't bother shaking it off, nor did he really realize the wet coldness that crept into him through his shoes.

Christmas without Jamie.

The stones before him were coated in white as well, silent as well. It was a mad world he lived in. The idea of Christmas still existing when Jamie was gone, or his mom. Honestly, whom had they all the years really been celebrating for? Exactly. Their mother had loved Christmas, despite its commercialization. From the first of December till the end of January there was barely a day without Christmas music playing somewhere.  
As children, they all had loved it, of course, it was a feast for children. Family, food, presents. Simple ideas, basic interests of everyone, was it more?  
"Sorry, mom", Danny murmured. He knew she wouldn't be happy about his opinion to this day. But the birth of Jesus seemed a lot less great since his own children had been born, and more even after Mary had died. Where was the promised light, the hope, the deliverance?

Joe had totally agreed with Danny (and after his mother's death he had also said it loud) – Christmas was something you celebrated with your children, because for them it was usually the most beautiful day of the year. For adults it was just another reason to meet and eat together, and do you really need a special reason for that?  
They had spent ages discussing the matter of Christmas, and the story of Santa Claus and Rudolph, and how maybe Santa was just Joseph, stepfather of Jesus, who had forgotten to buy his son a present for his birth and therefore had been expelled by Mary. Then he had travelled to the north pole, had become fat – and now he was trying to make amends with his wife.  
Joe had always loved that theory, Jamie had only shaken his head.

After Mary's death, it was him who kept the real spirit of Christmas alive for the family. Now he was gone, too.  
"I can't do this, Jamie" Danny whispered, "I'm sorry, kid, I'm really trying to keep us together, but I won't save Christmas for you. There's no point of it without you. I'm sorry."  
He bowed his head. A disappointment for both his mother and his little brother.  
And Joe who would probably have helped him through and stood by his side was up there, too. For a moment Danny didn't feel grief anymore, he just was angry. They'd left him alone here. They were in heaven, sitting on a cloud, and he was left here alone with all his grief and a family to deal with. Lazy little kids, and he as the oldest had to take care of everything!

The moment passed in a rush, just as it had come. A single tear ran down Danny's cheek and froze in the middle. He swallowed. "Sorry, guys. I…"  
There was not more to say. Danny turned around to join his family, come together in the light and warm Reagan house.

As Danny came in he saw his dad playing memory with Jack and Sean, laughing and arguing about every card picked up.  
He stood still where he was, something his therapist had recommended.  
_Take your time to look at the life before you. Enjoy the beauty you see, and then allow yourself to be part of it._  
Sounded stupid, but Danny had found it worked. He waited in the dark entrance, listening to his family. Linda, Erin and Henry were doing the cooking, with Nicki helping them. They were laughing, too.

Frank looked up to see his last son, and after all this time it still broke his heart.  
As long as they weren't in the same room together, as long as he wasn't reminded that his oldest son was his only son now, it was easy to imagine everything was okay. Who knew if Jamie wasn't outside just now, working on the decoration? They had still half an hour of not thinking about it, of just celebrating Christmas Eve, love and family and Jesus Christ.  
Frank wouldn't spoil it by mentioning to them what they all knew: They were missing someone. All their trying of celebrating Christmas in the Reagan-tradition was useless, because it would never be the same.  
In Danny's eyes Frank saw the same thought, making it all even more real.  
"Hey, Danny" he managed to say calmly, and as on command Jack and Sean turned around and ran to their father. "It's Christmas! It's Christmas!"  
"And dinner's almost ready!"  
"And there's pudding for dessert! Pudding!"

Frank's mind travelled back in time to when his own sons had been so young. _Two little boys hanging on his legs as he tried to get into the house, with a beautiful girl dancing behind them, trying to keep her dignity only to fall into his arms ten seconds later. A baby of three months squealing in the living room, happy to hear the familiar voice. Frank picked his sons off his legs and his daughter off his neck to look at them. "I think my presents are here for Christmas Eve already" he smiled, and Erin beamed.  
Joe nudged Danny in the ribs. "We're here all year, why are we just now presents? Doesn't make sense."  
_Doesn't make sense. Joe's favorite words at that time.  
Frank forced himself to come back into the here and now before the scene enrolled too much. He missed Mary more than he would ever admit, more than he could endure, but – he couldn't see her now, like that, he couldn't go back in time. He had to live here, now, and it wasn't as if there was nothing he could and wanted to live for.

Dinner was perfect as always, and they made it even through the pudding without so much as touching the matter of Christmas. It was winter, tests had been written, the year was at its end, movies were seen… there was so much to talk about, so much that they all could be thankful for. Linda and Erin were in full mother-mode on this evening, and seeing their children happy was all they needed. As Danny looked at his boys and the light in their eyes he, too, forgot for a moment.

Then they gathered around the Christmas tree in the living room, lights dimmed so the candles shone even brighter.  
It was an European tradition - that Mary had been eager to keep alive - to read the birth of Jesus from the gospel.  
Danny stared at his feet. This was Jamie's duty, for the last twenty years it had been him.  
Erin froze.  
It could no longer be hidden. On the day of family, another important part of that family couldn't be here with them.

Frank closed his eyes. "I will read the gospel" he said, and Erin sighed in relief. Her arms were firmly wrapped around her crying daughter.  
Frank read the joyful message of the birth of the son of God, a story they all knew. As his eyes wandered through his family he saw that the story still amazed his grandsons and Linda, and in a special way also Erin and Henry. Danny and Nicki seemed unmoved, or too moved by something else to realize what was given to mankind in this sacred night.

Frank sighed. Give and take. Joy and pain, love and grief. He would do anything to have his sons and his wife back – anything but trade the people around him. There was still so much to be lived, spirits so young and vivid that he felt blessed to have them in his family.  
"I wanna thank you, lord" he heard himself say, to his surprise – and to Danny's and Erin's as well, obviously. "Thank you for these wonderful people I get to celebrate this day, thank you for keeping them safe" - his voice cracked a little – "and thank you for the time you gave us with Mary, Joe and Jamie."

Erin winced. Involuntarily she looked to the right where Jamie had always stood. Empty.

Slowly Frank went to the radio and put a CD into the player, no Christmas carols because they couldn't hear it anymore but something else. A song Danny had almost forgotten about.

_When I think back on these times  
All the dreams we left behind  
I'll be glad cause I was blessed  
To get to have you in my life_

Tears ran down his face in seconds. This was their mother's song, played at her funeral. He still had no idea who had chosen it, but it the words had been so true for all of the Reagans that it had become Mary's theme. Three years later they had played it on Joe's funeral, too – it was the soundtrack of Pearl Harbor, after all, and fit a former Marine as well. And the feelings stayed.  
More still – in the years of Mary's and Joe's death Jamie had insisted on having the song played at Christmas Eve.

_In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky  
In my heart there'll always be a place for you, for all my life_

Sean smiled, his eyes closed. "This is my favorite Christmas carol" he said, "it always reminds me of uncle Joe and of what you've told me of grandma." Then he opened his eyes. "And now it's for uncle Jamie as well, isn't it?"  
Danny couldn't speak, so it was Henry who gravely said, "yes, Sean. This is our Christmas song and it is for all we had to say goodbye too early to."  
Danny saw Erin repeating her grandfather's voice silently. "Say goodbye too early" was a nice way of paraphrasing "dead". At least Henry seemed to have found his will to live again.

_And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me  
Your love made me make it through  
Oh, I owe so much to you  
You were right there for me_

Christmas hit Danny with full force. Family. Why should it need more? This was all it was about, and this was his family here around him, praying through Faith Hill's voice.  
He moved behind his wife and hugged her tightly. "Merry Christmas, baby. I love you. I love you all so much."

_Cause I always saw in you my life, my strength  
And I want to thank you now for all the ways  
You were right there for me_


	11. One year

_Okay, this is it… as always I hope it's not too cheesy. Thank you for all your kind words. _

One year.

How could time have flown by so – normally? Danny struggled to name the feeling. "Normal" wasn't entirely true, not in all those nights he had laid next to Linda in the dark, choking on his tears because he didn't want to wake her up. Endless nights he had fought against the truth, against the feeling of being all alone now that both his brothers were gone. His best friends. Men he had known since they were babies he had held in his arms. Years later, when he held his own sons, Danny prayed to God that they would grow up to be men like his brothers were. Friendly, honest, caring, brave. Better men than he was.  
Now these men, Jack and Sean's godfathers, were gone. And still, life went on and the world turned, days went by in 24 hours – Danny had assumed that time would stand still, but apparently it didn't. Sometimes, in the darkest hours, when nobody seemed to think about Jamie anymore, Danny wasn't sure if it had all been real. If Jamie really had lived – how could it be that the world forgot about him so quickly? How could it be that nothing seemed to have changed - when _all_ had changed?

One year. Danny's therapy was over, the last session had been in February. Danny was officially ready for duty and social life again. It had – officially – taken only seven months of therapy to get him used to a life without Jamie. Seven months that officially outweighed the almost twenty-seven years he had spent with him.

It was one year. One year, and the part of Danny's heart that belonged to Linda and his sons, to his father, grandfather, sister and niece, to his city - it was alive, beating strongly and happily. But the part that had been reserved for his baby brother… it was a black, burnt hole. And if nothing else, one year was enough to realize that this would not change.

He had let Jamie down, and now he was dead, and Danny hadn't really had the chance to say how sorry he was. Or had he? The last moments of Jamie's life, moments he had relived in his dreams over and over again, slowly faded away. A mechanism of the brain to save him from going crazy as the doctor had called it, but what good did it do?  
He forgot. The pain for Jamie was as strong as ever when he thought about him, a sharp, hot, fierce sting that made Danny's knees go weak.  
What was fading were the memories. How long till all that remained of Jamie was the pain he felt? Would he one day really have forgotten his little brother's voice, or smile, or the way he always cared for everyone?

"Danny?" Linda's voice was soft as she came up from behind, the lines on her face showing how hard the day hit her. One year.  
"Are you ready?"  
Danny tried to grin. "Not the least. And you?"  
Linda shook her head, taking up her husband's broken smile. Danny didn't know where she found the strength to heal it, and let the light of her smile shine on him and started to heal him too, but he was thankful for it. "I guess we're not asked to, are we?" he murmured and then suddenly he collapsed in his wife's arms and cried.

_Why, God? Why did you do that to us? Just because I overslept mass, just because I slept with too many women before I finally found the one you had meant for me? But why did you punish Jamie, then? What did he ever do wrong? Don't you got enough angels up there already?  
I miss you, kid. I miss you so much and everyday you're not here I know it's my fault. I should have sent you away. I should've protested more against your decision to become a cop. But…_

"He seemed so happy", he whispered, and Linda backed away to look into his eyes. "As a cop", Danny added, "he was so happy and proud and he was good… how could I really…"  
Linda nodded quickly. "I know. He was a hero, Danny. And it was not your decision what would become of him, it was his. And he did the right thing, for himself and for the people of New York City, Danny, you know that! He was a hero." She pulled her husband closer as her voice broke.  
After a couple of minutes Danny's sobs ebbed down. "You know I love you, right?"  
Linda took a deep breath and swallowed the tears away. "I know. And I love you too."  
Danny nodded. "Let's go."

They were the last to reach the cemetery. Henry at once came over to greet them, and as Danny and Linda hugged the old man they both felt how thin and breakable he was. Time was showing on the eldest Reagan now, time and too many sad memories. Yet he smiled as he looked at his grandson's family.  
Frank smiled too as they approached, and so did Nicki, though she was already crying and thankfully walked into Linda's embrace. Since Jamie's death the bond between aunt and niece had become very close.  
Danny smiled at them, then turned to his sister who was standing at the very edge of the little group, eyes fixed on the cemetery, her body tensed. When he made a step towards her she shook her head, still not looking at him. Danny understood. Erin had lost two brothers, and whether it was out of fear of losing him too or out of stubborn loyalty to Joe and Jamie – she couldn't have her remaining brother around now. He from all people would not disrespect her need to be alone now.

As they took on their march to the Reagan's graves Erin walked first, followed by Frank and Danny, Linda and Nicki, and Henry, Jack and Sean at the end. It was a silent procession, and though he knew what was awaiting him at the end Danny suddenly was nervous. One year – were they supposed to report this year to Jamie? Would it feel any different now to stand at his grave, and read the words and numbers that tried to summarize his life?  
Having his family around suddenly offered more sadness than consolation. It was true, they always would remember Jamie, even his sons would, thank God, they were both old enough to always remember him – so this burden was not on Danny alone. Jamie would live on in their hearts. But remembering also meant hurting, and right now it was the overwhelming, never ending grief from all of them that he felt. He wanted to be somewhere else, or he wanted Jamie to light up the situation.  
Yet neither would happen, and as much as Danny didn't want to see his brother's grave now, he knew he had to. He had to, for himself and for the world and for his family.

Erin stopped so abruptly that he almost stumbled into her, shaking. They were almost there. Gently Danny reached for her hand, and for a second he was sure she would jerk away, but she didn't. After a moment she squeezed his hand and moved on, not letting go.

At the grave they saw a familiar figure kneeling in the grass. Erin gasped and the tears she had fought down finally rolled down her cheeks. Danny felt his eyes water, too, and he smiled. True, he had had his problems with Renzulli, and sometimes he just wanted to rip his head off – but he had been Jamie's TO, his mentor and friend. And it was one year, and he remembered and had come here.

Frank smiled, too. "Hello, Tony" he said calmly, causing the sergeant to jump up. "Commissioner." Then he saw the others and nodded. "Ms. Reagan, Mrs. Reagan, sir, guys. Danny."  
"Hey, searge" Danny said, deeply touched by the other's being here. "As much as it can be said it's good to see you."  
Renzulli frowned, obviously checking the words for a hint of sarcasm. He found none. "He was a good one" he said finally, "good cop. Good man. Just what I always wanted to be."  
"And you are, Tony" Frank replied firmly, "I'm glad to have you still with me."  
Renzulli nodded awkwardly. "Thanks. Well, then… see you. Have a…" He stopped, turned to the grave again and bowed, then passed them. Erin's glance followed him almost desperately. When the sergeant was out of sight she threw her hands over her mouth and sank down. Linda held Nicki back as she wanted to run to her mother. Danny immediately was at her side. "It's okay" he whispered, helping her up, "it's okay, Erin."  
She pushed his hands away. "It's fucking not, Danny!" She stared at him so angrily that Danny had to grin. "Did you just say fucking, little sister?"  
"You… jerk!" It was obvious she had wanted to say something else. It was too much, seeing Danny laughing at Jamie's grave, and it didn't help that she had just broken down in front of her daughter. She was furious at herself, and at Danny of course, and at God, and Jamie… and she was in that mood for one year now. "Sorry" she hissed between clenched teeth, "I'm… sorry… it…" Words failed her, again. She hated cemeteries, she couldn't think straight when she was at one, left alone speak.

"I know, sweetheart. I know." Frank gently put his arms around his daughter's shoulders. Standing between her father and her brother Erin slowly calmed down. They were here. They were still with her, and Jamie would want her to be thankful for them. He would want her to be happy with what she had, to enjoy her life. She had a wonderful daughter. A wonderful family. And she still loved her job.  
_I'm sorry, Jamie. I want to do this right, but it's so damn hard. I'm afraid I can't do this alone. I'm afraid I'm a bad for the state, and worse, I'm so afraid to be a bad mom! I'm not like… I'm not like mom was, she always knew what to do and I… I don't know. I don't know, and I wish you were there. It all seemed so much easier when you were alive. We still need you! Ever since you've been gone it's all become more difficult. I miss you so much. It's been one year now, can you believe that? One year without you. I can't say goodbye yet, Jamie, I can't. I can't do this on my own._

Danny took a shivering breath and reached for her hand.  
Erin looked at him as if she saw him for the first time. He was still there. He was here, right beside her, and something in his eyes stopped her fall through hell.  
She opened her mouth but couldn't speak. Danny smiled and nodded. He knew exactly what she wanted to say. How thankful she was to have him. How much she loved him, despite everything they fought about. How much he had made her the person she was now. She was not alone. "Don't you dare leaving me, okay?"  
_I'm gonna take care of him, Jamie. I promise. Thank you so much for everything. We'll go through this together, Danny and I, okay? Just don't call him up too soon. I love you. We all do._

Frank watched the exchange of smiles and tears between his children, and like always it made him incredibly proud. After all he had done something right.  
_And you were just like them, Jamie. You were a wonderful son, my little boy. I miss you. Every day I miss you, and that will never stop. Tell your mom I love you. I wish you were here to help me through all of this, but I know you're somewhere better now, so just keep an eye on us, okay? I was so proud of you. Of the man you'd become. My little boy grew up to be a hero. And people know that… they remember you, Jamie. Your life was such a bright light in this world. You don't know what that means to a father. Thank you, son. Thank you for everything._

Frank closed his eyes for a moment, letting the memory of his son alive and laughing wash over him. It hurt, but it was beautiful.  
Then he stepped aside, motioning for the rest of the family to come closer and say their goodbye.

Linda knelt down, her sons at her side.  
_Hey, little brother. For the record, it's not easier now. I still miss you. Danny misses you. Your nephews miss you. But I guess I've told you that over and over again, so… I'm here to say thank you. Thank you, Jamie, for somehow giving us all the strength to survive this year. And I promise you, I will do my best to keep this family together. I will do everything I can to make sure your siblings, father and grandfather will enjoy their lives. I know that's what you want us to do. I love you so much, Jamie. All people do. I hope you're okay up there in heaven._  
She took a deep breath and then hugged her sons. "You're ready?"  
Sean shook his head, his eyes closed. After a minute he nodded and stood up. "But we can come here later too, can't we?"  
"Of course" Linda smiled and stroked her son's hair.

Nicki looked at her great-grandfather shyly. Henry nodded.  
_Hey, uncle Jamie. I came by today to see you. And… I _guess heaven was needing a hero, somebody just like you_. Okay, that's not by me, it's a song, but it fits you. _Brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through._ I love you, uncle Jamie. And I admire you for how much this song is true, how strong and brave you were. Even if you died from it. I hope I can be as brave as you were one day. I'm gonna take care of mom, and uncle Danny will help me. We'll be okay. That's what the song says, _no matter how much I need you now, heaven needed you more. You're such a part of who I am._ And I wish you could be here now, but… it's okay. We'll try to be brave. Just like you. Thank you. Thank you._

Henry closed his eyes.  
_Hey, Jamie. Sorry I don't kneel down but my knees stopped working. If I would go down I didn't get up, and you know how that would freak them out? Yeah, exactly. I can't have them being afraid for me again. I won't lie to you, well I couldn't even if I tried. I made a lot of mistakes that year. And I'm not sure I can excuse it all with grief. But it was one of the reasons. I miss you, Jamie. The house's been a lot colder and quieter without you. Thank you for all the years, for asking so many questions. You made your grandmother very happy and proud, and me too. A grandfather should never bury his grandsons and I still wish we could chance places. But you're stubborn as ever, and for that I love you too, Jamie. You were a fighter. A hero. Even Renzulli knows that, and God knows that guy doesn't get too much. I miss you. Tell your grandmother I won't keep her waiting for much longer. You were one of the greatest gifts of my life, and for all that it's worth I am happy. I am so happy to have had you here. Take care up, as I promise I will take care of things down there.  
_He fought against the tears and eventually lost. As Erin hugged her grandfather, Danny made a step forward to the grave.  
_Hey, kid. Renzulli was just here, did you see that? Look, I'm not gonna say goodbye here. I won't. I love and I miss you, and I swear I'll do my best to be a good cop and father and brother but I won't say goodbye! You can't leave me, Jamie. You're a part of me, and though this part hurts like hell, it is there. And I won't ever let it go. I'm so sorry for everything I did. I know I yelled at you too often, and we fought, and I was a jackass and… I wanted to protect you. And I failed, you… know that. I'm sorry. But I won't give up, okay? I know you'd expect me to go on and be there for the others, and I will. Don't worry about Erin, she'll be okay. And you keep looking down on us, okay? I'll come back. I'll come back here and one day I'll come up and see you again. And sometimes that's the only thing that keeps me standing up. I love you, kid. None of us will ever stop missing you, but… we will get through. Somehow. Together, I guess. Yeah, that's me thinking that stuff. Call me a pussy, but I did. Thanks kid. Don't you ever forget that your stupid big brother loves you with all his heart._

Slowly, Danny stood up. "Let's go home."  
To a life without Jamie, forever.


End file.
